FIRST I’M LIKE:
THEN I’M LIKE:
“It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake it off.”
Shake it off.
Smile.
Send a nice text.
Each something terribly unhealthy for you and enjoy every bite.
Watch your favorite show and laugh until you cry.
Tell someone you love them.
Pray.
Listen to your favorite song and dance around your room.
Belt Christina Aguilera’s song “Beautiful” at the top of your lungs.
Shake it off.
Write someone a letter or a card.
Turn your phone off for a while.
Read a poem.
Close your computer.
Take a walk.
Lay in the grass.
Smile.
Shake it off.
“If they don’t respect, appreciate and value you, then they don’t deserve you.”
Unknown (via paperlesswords)
Feeling replaced can be compared to the feeling of a knife going through the gut. Of course, I have never felt a knife going through my gut. But I can imagine. And I’m certain it feels similar to this.
We’ve all consoled the friend who sees that her ex-boyfriend is dating someone new. “You’re an amazing girl, but there was nothing there,” he says to her. “He doesn’t realize what he lost,” we say to her. But have you ever been consoled with these words? They don’t work. The girl will continue to ask herself soul-crushing questions like, “Why wasn’t I good enough?” or “What could I have done differently?” These questions suck, because there are never answers. They will cycle around in your head like a cyclone, clouding over every other part of your brain, wiping out logical thinking and logical emotions.
I have come to realize that we can not be consoled by answers when we feel replaced, when we don’t feel good enough. The problem is that we can’t always be wanted by the people that we want to want us. Believe me, this truth hurts. I know. But if you start telling yourself this truth rather than asking yourself questions and feeding yourself lies, you will begin to heal. You can’t be good enough for everyone. You can’t be wanted by the people you want. The world doesn’t work that way. But that’s okay. You can’t let that destroy your confidence and self-esteem. You were replaced. Something you did wasn’t good enough. I’m not going to console you and tell you, “Someday you will be good enough for someone, forever.” But I know the way these empty words work. They simply don’t. They’re empty, and they don’t bring healing.
But I will tell you that you need to start believing that you are good enough for yourself. God claims multiple times in the Bible that you are always good enough. So why the hell should it matter if you aren’t for someone else? God does not hold beauty and worthiness over your head and make you jump around and do awesome tricks to work for it. So why the hell should you jump around and do awesome tricks to receive beauty and worthiness from someone else? They are already yours. That’s what Jesus came to this Earth to claim for you. You are beautiful, and you are worthy of love. So get your butt of that seat and take claim of it.
I’m on the edge of things changing, things shifting, and I’m fighting it with every breath. I’m fighting to cling to things of the past — refusing to release my fingers that are clasped so tight around the things I think I need. To things in the past that have made me happy, made me smile, made me feel worthy — I’m fighting for these things to produce the same emotion.
But that’s not how change works. You see, these transitions are painful. I remember laying with my 3 best friends—sobbing—the night before we left for college. We were terrified, excited, anxious. The world felt like it was splitting into 4 pieces, each of us leaning over the edge, afraid of what our new world was going to be like. I remember leaving other close friends, driving away from their familiar houses, watching them become silhouettes in my rear view mirror.
Transitions are also lonely. I missed my friends when I came here: the people that knew me, understood me. I didn’t want to explain my life again. I was always with people, always talking to people, always learning new names, but I always felt alone. I missed companionship. People to live my life with.
And I am there again. No one told me that I would experience this before graduation. I knew last year that I would have to move on after senior year. But not one told me the process would begin junior year. The transition is happening again. I am changing. People are changing. Places are changing. Feelings are changing. My life is about to look drastically different, once again. And it’s scary.
But I know that I will need to let go eventually, let change take its course. Because change leads to great things. I met some amazing people here. Amazing friends. I can already feel our worlds beginning to split, and I am leaning off the edge desperately trying to stay attached longer. I know they will be leaning soon, too. I learned incredible things here. I stretched myself. I learned so much… and I know that’s what is waiting for me on other side of this mess. I just have to get through it, and stay hopeful.
The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in TRUTH. Psalm 145:18.
The truth is messy. It certainly has the potential to turn humans away. We know this. Humans will look at you puzzled, frown their faces, “tsk” you in judgement, offer comfort that doesn’t help, and potentially turn away from you. But this verse promises that the LORD is near to the truth. It doesn’t matter where humans stand. He is there when we speak the truth to him. He is not afraid of it, and he is completely able and ready to handle it. He won’t punish you for speaking it, or fill you with guilt. We often think of God running and hiding his face from sin and messiness. Don’t believe this lie. Rather, read this verse and see that God wants us to speak the truth to Him. He turns when we try to offer fake explanations, and declare fake needs.
Notice, also, that the verse asks us to call on HIM. We can speak about our true feelings to our friends and family all we want. But God wants to hear our words spoken directly to HIM. Speak through writing, singing, prayer, whatever works for you. Just make sure you are calling on Him.
Be honest about what you need. About what you fear. About what you think is going to happen. Every anxiety. Every feeling of hostility. Every doubt.
The LORD is near to all who call on Him in truth. This doesn’t mean he will give you answers, or give you clear direction. If He did, would you actually accept it? Actually believe it? This verses means that He will lend us a perfect, listening ear — and peace. And sometimes that is all we really need.
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life
awake my soul…
awake my soul…
awake my soul…
For you were made to meet your maker
It is one of my fondest memories of Josh hearing him sing this song during Junior worship at Taylor University. It feels surreal, knowing that the same man who sang this song so passionately is no longer on this Earth. But it’s also a comfort. Remembering him sing about this song assures me of the life he lived, and where he is now.
I will never forget our last conversation together. We began talking about Say Anything, and he said, “We need to start talking about other things besides Say Anything.” I smiled and agreed, thinking we’d have 2 more years to do so. We no longer have time on this Earth to start new conversations. But I know that someday we will have eternity.
I can’t wait to see Josh there. I can’t help but think he is up there in heaven, worshipping with the angels to awesome Mumford and Sons songs, Sufjan Stevens songs, and all other songs that are IFC approved.
Thank you, Josh, for investing your love at Taylor University. With your group at Youth Conference 2011. With our O-Group during freshmen year (kind-of :]). With Taylor students during chapel. With me over Max Bemis and Say Anything. Thank you for the places you invested your love. For where you invested your love, you invested your life.
You are gone from this Earth, but you were always made to meet your Maker.
Cars are the best place to cry. You’re still a part of the world, but in your own pocket of calm. If it’s parked, you’re in a standstill, but you know that you have the potential to move. If you’re driving, the world is still in motion - lights flicker across the glass and fade to give way to the next stage of flashing images, flashing lights.
There are no human hands to hold you, but you barely think of it with your own hands on the wheel.
… to be continued
“If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking.”
-Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood
